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Hold on, so you're essentially a broadcast journalist? Get this boy banned. We don't need his type around here, fishing for stories and trying to find dirt on us all. Aye but he's 75 and did a documentary 20 years ago, so it's all a good laugh isn't it? Like Craig Levein. But just wonderfully loveable.

Which is far more exciting than our previous tactic of waiting for borderline boilers to finish doing the rounds of the whole town before eventually settling for us because we’re too scared to spread our wings beyond our own doorstep except for a fortnight in Magaluf every couple of years. Occasionally we’d get in first with one of the younger local ones but only because we have our own car. That’s no way to live. The knowing nods between punters every time you enter the local pub. “I see he’s taken in Curtis Main this time” they’ll whisper amongst themselves.